These two topics came up in Siddhartha by Herman Hesse and they both had an incredibly strong impact on me. Because this is my blog, I'm just going to say there are spoilers and for any of you that plan on reading the book this might give away some of it. The book is worth reading.
I have always been a seeking type. I am confronted with a new job in the main office and with so many new tasks to perform I quickly seek the most efficient way of getting something done (be it sending out emails, cutting velcro to put the programs up, sorting mail). I also seek those "gems" of knowledge that will propel my playing to the next level. Some of you may even know that I live for those theoretical answers that I think will be the key to elevating my playing. I latch on to the advice people give me because I hope that, with each new perspective, I will finally find the "right answer" or even the "right answer that works for me".
Because of this constant seeking in my life, you can see why perhaps I latched on to Siddhartha so completely at first. As a child growing up as a Brahmin, he is admired and valued by all others as a very clever, thoughtful, well-read boy who can hold his own in his father's discussions of holy matters with the priests of the town. He leaves home with his childhood friend, Govinda, and they become Samanas, a type of holy man that lives in the forest, meditates, fasts, begs for food in the towns and tries to attain not only Enlightenment but also a deep sense of Self.
As the book comes to a close, Siddhartha shares some very interesting views on seeking. His childhood friend, Govinda, who left to become a Samana with Siddhartha, upon meeting Gotama (Buddha) decides to follow his teachings because they are clear and beautiful and lay out the world in an easy-to-understand way. Their paths split for the majority of the rest of their lives until the very end of the book. Govinda, who is still seeking Enlightenment and truth, runs into Siddhartha, a ferrymaker, and Siddhartha shares with him some of what he has learned.
I want to look at some of what Siddhartha says about seeking because having been a seeking person all my life, this speaks so much to me:
"When some one is seeking," said Siddhartha, "it happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking, because he has a goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal. You, O worthy one, perhaps indeed a seeker, for in striving towards your goal, you do not see many things that are under your nose."
Wow...even writing that down I find new things in it. Govinda comes to this place because he hears there is a very wise ferrymaker that lives here. He comes seeking the wise one and in doing so neglects to recognize Siddhartha as his childhood friend. He was so wrapped up in what he wanted to find that he neglected what actually was there.
I see this in myself so much. It is almost hard to reflect because I am readily admitting my faults to anyone who chooses to read my thoughts. I am human.
The way I practice is very much like this. I practice very diligently and have come very far for it, but I feel I have come to a point where I've realized I am not thinking about my practicing in a way that helps me delve deeper into the music. I have thought about all the details that need to come together for my playing to come together and so have been constantly seeking that which will take my music to the next level. I neglect the fact that my music is my music is my soul. All that I am learning in school are tools and tricks that perhaps I had not considered that will help my voice come out while I am playing. The music is inside of me already - and that cannot be taught. Music doesn't need to be taught to anyone who wishes to express themselves through it. Music is whatever comes out. (Music Therapy Clinic concert in the union comes to mind.)
My relationship with many people is like that. I have constantly sought out people who I feel have something that I would like to learn from them. I have gotten nervous around them because I have worried they will judge me when they realized I haven't learned something. This goes with friends, professors, mentors, and anyone I admire.
How do I become a finder? Am I actually seeking to be a finder? Perhaps. I spoke with someone recently about meditation and he said he goes about it sometimes by merely relaxing and allowing his mind to wander. That floored me when I first heard it because I had always approached meditation as a very focused, thoughtful process. Actually, by wandering instead of seeking, I am receiving more.
You know, goals and 5-year plans and degrees are great, but seeking very easily can lead to having blinders on. Indeed I have lost a lot already in seeking and not being open to what is actually around me. But sometimes in losing something or someone, one can be more receptive and appreciative of what is around them instead of yearning after an idealized goal.
By the way, this is where the "and Words" part comes in. Siddhartha says at one point that every truth written is only half of what it is. Because yes, seeking can lead to ignorance and disregard of what is, and in trying to find I am seeking to be an open finder. Is that wrong or bad? Is there a difference between good and bad? If you are seeking then yes there is a difference. If you are seeking to get to a place on time and you miss your flight, are you upset? If you seeked that flight, yes. If you are finding, maybe you can find something beautiful in missing your flight.
With love,
Maria
PS Please comment if you feel so inclined. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.
PPS Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdN2bfov9JQ
PPPS Stay tuned for more posts.
I think that we are both seekers. I wouldn't have read the book if I had already found what I was looking for, right?
ReplyDeleteIs being a seeker a bad thing? My first thought is that yes, it is. To be a seeker means that I have goals, and that these goals are unfulfilled. This is uncomfortable, and if my self-worth is defined by my ability to fulfill goals then I am not worth very much as a person.
But . . . Siddhartha spends most of the book as a seeker. He seeks the same thing that I am -- peace, the answer that fulfills him so that he doesn't have to seek any more. He does find it eventually, but only after he stops looking. The answer seems to be a paradox -- how can I try to stop trying?
But I think there is an answer. At the end of the book, Siddhartha says that birth contains death, and that death contains birth. I think that he would also say that in seeking there is finding, and that in finding there is seeking. Perhaps the only thing we can do is to embrace seeking instead of fighting it and let go of the need to find anything. I think this is Govinda's mistake -- he cares too much about finding.
I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other day about this book. He said that Siddhartha is not an ideal person at the end of the book. A truly compassionate person would work with others to relieve their pain, not detach from the world to shield themselves from it. What do you think?